His Ways Are Not Our Ways...

I've been reading this book:

On Tuesday evening, I'm going to be leading a discussion about overcoming fear and anxiety.

God has a sense of humor, doesn't he?

The lady that I partner with for our monthly meeting of homeschool moms is as steady and solid as any lady I've ever met...and I greatly admire her for that.  She suggested the book, and I assumed she would also lead the discussion.  After all...she is an excellent example of someone with dignity and grace...calmly pressing on...

Then, as we met and chatted in preparation for the meeting, it became apparent that things from the book were really resonating with me...and she suggested that I lead the discussion.

Me?

Yeah, I know it's weird.  But it's all part of the "beauty for ashes" concept because sometimes God uses our weakness and our brokenness to speak His grace to others.  And I'm praying that is exactly what He does next Tuesday.

It's crazy how God works.  With our fall ministries around the corner, our calendar is pretty overwhelming.

If everything went absolutely perfectly, we could maybe just maybe keep our heads above water.
But guess what?  Things are far from absolutely perfect.  As a matter of fact, it seems like very little is going according to plan.
I snapped a picture of our downstairs bathroom just a bit ago:

Why yes...our toilet is upside-down in our bathtub.  And no, that wasn't the plan.
I'm supposed to have my house full of homeschool moms next Tuesday night...and for all I know...that toilet might still be in the bathtub.  This does not sit well with me.
It's a worm.
Let me explain...
So, I've been reading that book and each chapter addresses an area of fear that we wrestle with.
Chapter 8 is called, "Appointed: Fear of God's Plan for My Life"
It uses the story of Jonah to illustrate trusting God when His plans don't line up with ours.
I'll share a couple of quotes because I thought they were so powerful:
"We alternate between feelings of helplessness and fury as we stare into the ground, his eyes, her youth, the empty cradle, the empty bed, and the face in the mirror, hollow with fear.  His ways are not our ways."
"I struggle to make sense of how a loving God could let a 3 year old child put a wreath of flowers on her mother's casket.  I also struggle with understanding how God watched them put a crown of thorns on His own Son."
"What a beautiful image we allow Him to paint when we trust Him in seasons of life that feel ugly."
These quotes were in this order, in the same chapter, but they weren't all together.  But I just love the progression.  I've been in that position where it's just so hard to make sense of tragedy.  The grief can be too much to bear, until we lift our eyes to the cross and we realize that we are delivered through tragedy...  God sees the whole picture as our lives are redeemed and fashioned and fitted for His purposes, not in spite of, but because of the dark places in our lives.
Remember the story of Jonah?  I won't retell it here, but remember how God "appointed" a fish to swallow him up?  That word, "appointed", can also be translated, "provided".
In the book, Angie says, "He provided the fish.  Not to harm Jonah, but to rescue him . . .  It is a constant dying of self that leads us into the place of trust, and sometimes it looks a whole lot like the guts of a fish."
Isn't that the truth?
In the story of Jonah, God provided a fish, a plant, a wind and a worm.
He orchestrated the circumstances of Jonah's life in order to bring about a change in his heart.
When Jonah sat in the belly of the whale, he praised the Lord.  But when the Lord sent a worm to devour the plant that provided shade for Jonah, he became angry and wished himself to die.  It wasn't the whale that devoured Jonah...it was the worm.
Have you ever felt like it was easier to live by faith in the big things than the little ones?
It seems we've been going through some "testing of faith" in our household lately... Nothing huge, thankfully. But it feels a lot like worms.
I wish I could tell you I've been quietly trusting in the Lord and praising Him through it all.  Not exactly.  I've worried a bit and snitted a little... (maybe more than a little.)  I've been unkind and impatient.  I want to do better.
Sometimes I feel like I should just sit on the sidelines until I am better.  But putting myself on the bench doesn't accomplish anything for eternity.  So, I have to accept the fact that I'm a work in progress and God's ways are not my ways.  I'm glad He's far more patient with me than I deserve.  And I'm glad that He chooses to use me in spite of my weaknesses...which are many.